DECEMBER 5 2024
> annoys me that winter is my favorite season and yet i have struggled with seasonal depression for years. i believe my medication has been wearing off in effectiveness a bit (has been for quite some time now), so i have an appointment in 2 days to try and figure that out. im a bit miserable but i think i am at least good enough still that i have the awareness that nothing is actually WRONG and it will hopefully be fixed soon. of course, because i want to complain anyways- i am especially not capable socially. the medication wearing out has kind of given me a very clear view of "holy shit, i was like this without meds?" and its horrible. i forgot the feeling of being borderline mute.
for a real pathetic cut, and one that certainly is not a unique struggle, i feel alone in trying to live on my own and all that shit. just trying to figure everything out, save the money, go through all related processes, blah blah blah- its lonely. i guess its hard to explain, but im certain the feeling isnt unknown. probably pretty normal, really. deeply jealous of people who get great familial / partner / whatever assistance in this regard. no choice but to persist in this, though, and hopefully sometime soon i can at least have a strong step-by-step plan so i dont feel so fucking lost. whatever. you see the video of that CEO douchebag getting shot? that was fucking awesome
NOVEMBER 20 2024
> exhausted, but shit is going good. fucking love the birds at work theyre so funny. also thus far unlike the last job im not really getting treated like shit for being quiet or whatever, everyones friendly, really have nothing to complain about. already have so many birds im attached to lol. and of course the most important thing to me is being able to save money so i can move out... bless living in a state with high minimum wage, at least. i tend to not really spend money on things, so hopefully i can achieve these goals fast. other than that.. trying to get myself to draw again. bought rebelle 7 pro while it was super cheap on sale and ive been having fun with it.
NOVEMBER 10 2024
> i feel... absurdly lucky. even when things get to feel really bad i think it all just works out in the end despite how hopeless i feel. i was so broken for so much of 2023 and then i just wind up meeting a guy who changes my life such an incomprehensible amount for the better. could write paragraphs upon paragraphs about how crazy i am about him but its a bit off topic at the moment and also he could read this shit #embarrassing. but i will say, never imagined i could be so crazy about a person, so many insane similarities but then everything thats different is like hyper-complimentary........... ugh jesus christ i need to get to what i was actually gonna write about hahaha.
i got my first job in july and quit after a little over a month because there was some bullshit going on im not even gonna bother to recount. from then until literally yesterday i've been pretty wracked with guilt about not having anything because i hate to feel like a fuckin loser. local parrot rescue posts online that theyre hiring.. shot an email, went in yesterday and they immediately took me. had my first day today. so fucking good. im still pretty nervous going in because i want to do things right, but theyre pretty reassuring about it. stuff works out.
OCTOBER 20 2024
> birthday coming up in 5 days. gonna be 23. not looking forward to it very much. last night was playing WoW with da bf and got .7% chance mount drop that i've been desperately wanting; immediately after i got it [vargskelethor] joel went live... had some pizza and coke...... good night. crazy luck. just wanted to show him off cause i like him so much lol
SEPTEMBER 30 2024
> nothing very interesting. i finished adding seals to my gunpla (until i can do waterslide) and just today my friend gave me some citadel plastic glue she had laying around. putting together my minis and shit ahead of time so the process will be faster; i've gotta get a minis page set up so i can share what i have. not much so far, but i love my chaos marines. desperate to get my hands on the slaves to darkness chaos warriors. still have to set up a page for music & games i like on here as well, just trying to think on how i want all that displayed + formatted.
SEPTEMBER 21 2024
> ever since i revamped this shit i've been trying to remember to kind of 'put back' most of the stuff i had previously. like make the page for all the metal i've been listening to recently, make the page for all the games i like etc- still hopefully gonna get to that, i've just been kind of fucking lazy about it. i dunno if i'd ever said but i got pretty into warhammer recently; vermintide ii & space marine 2 have been fun, but for about a year now i have a friend who takes me out to the closest mini store to paint and i've got a few guys here n there... working on a set of chaos space marines atm but i'd love to cop a slaves to darkness set sometime as well. but forget my dumb shit, when da boyfriend was visiting in august (our 1 yr was on august 11th! time is going fucking fast man) i bought him a kharn mini; he painted it fucking AMAZING. i don't want to post a picture of it and steal his swag really so i'll just show a shitty picture of the dudes i did even if the ones kinda unfinished.
JUNE 5 2024
> i bet i'm the first person in the world to notice that looking for a job is an absolute nightmare! kidding. applying for entry level jobs only to be auto-rejected because i don't have two years experience is making me want to blow my brains out. best friend of over a decade refused on being a reference for me because hes apparently scared of phone calls so.. fuck me i guess -__- just have to keep going and see what picks up, hopefully something. everything is just so fucking exhausting recently. i feel out of control and out of my body and like i'm a conduit for the negative emotions of everyone around me. i'm crying so fucking often now. i'm truly the Atlas Of The Modern Day if atlas did absolutely nothing but be insufferable and get yelled at and also fail to find a job because all the job openings in Olympus wanted 2000+ years experience or whatever
MAY 29 2024
> finished reading saikano in the same night i had started it. fucked me up a bit, i feel like i have such a love hate relationship with it just because of how much i hated everybody in it except for chise. i might make some kind of little page on it just because its seemingly pretty obscure. just dont know where i'd put that kind of thing. also finally finished chulip last night after years of being super on-and-off with it. weirdass game. continuing to try and update the library page, hoping eventually it'll be decently representative of what i'm into while also building a little resource list of random shit for convenience...
MAY 22 2024
> look at that. not finished by any means, but revamped. no scrap of old site left, except for the old pages that i'm keeping hidden until i redo them lol. all the game pages or whatever are gonna be painful, i'm not really attached to most of them. same with the music. have to figure out some way i'll be satiated expressing my interests without forcing myself to write a 4th grade level book report about it, haha. 3 am and i'm so fucking exhausted but my sleep has been the absolute worst these past few days. >__>
MAY 19 2024
> finaaaaally getting around to that revamp haha. backlog of blog posts gone as are a lot of pages... links will be busted for a bit and i have a lot to do but it WILL happen. was just so bothered and overwhelmed and kind of embarrassed with everything on here. i have got to force myself to stop making the site feel so ""finished"" and uniform for lack of a better term so i can permit myself to have more fun with ittt.... consistently a bit self conscious about who might see the things i say but i really don't have any reason to care about that. im workin on it