AUGUST 26 2024
> long time no see............ got a job but it isnt going too well. the pay and benefits are nice and whatever but the people feel like highschool. i just get those weird uncomfortable stares and shit, and just the other day my manager fucked me over so hard with something that genuinely isnt my fault but it couldve gotten me terminated. so... thats a pretty short amount of time for things to go to shit haha. immediately started looking for another job after that happened, im not taking any chances. if i get any one of these (and within a day i already scored an interview!!!!!!!!!!!) im quitting asap lol FUCK 2 weeks notice they can go to hell. one day or another i'll find a place where i wont be treated like a freak :P just gotta keep getting money cause i love my boyfriend and i need to live with him or i will just die. fuckin rambling cause im anxious to go back to work in 10 mins after all this fucking garbage. aaaaaaaaagh whatever i just gotta treat it like im on my way out lol
JUNE 5 2024
> i bet i'm the first person in the world to notice that looking for a job is an absolute nightmare! kidding. applying for entry level jobs only to be auto-rejected because i don't have two years experience is making me want to blow my brains out. best friend of over a decade refused on being a reference for me because hes apparently scared of phone calls so.. fuck me i guess -__- just have to keep going and see what picks up, hopefully something. everything is just so fucking exhausting recently. i feel out of control and out of my body and like i'm a conduit for the negative emotions of everyone around me. i'm crying so fucking often now. i'm truly the Atlas Of The Modern Day if atlas did absolutely nothing but be insufferable and get yelled at and also fail to find a job because all the job openings in Olympus wanted 2000+ years experience or whatever
JUNE 3 2024
> i do generally find myself happy. i think things in my life are going well, and i think the future now looks bright for me. at the same time i feel an unbearable level of stress sometimes for a lot of different reasons, and no matter how eloquently i try to deal with things or how much i try to persevere, it doesn't seem to let up. there will be distractions for moments and i will be happy, but it always comes back, and i'm alone in dealing with things. i've started cracking. it used to be normal for me, but nowadays even having half as much of a meltdown as i did unmedicated feels so much more terrifying for some reason. i guess in part because i'm afraid that the medication is suddenly not doing enough, even though its totally normal that i'll feel down about things outside of myself. i'm just so tired of the panicked feelings because its actually fucking exhausting. like totally and severely assuming the worst, thinking about how everyone will disappear from your life and making intricate plans on how you're going to kill yourself if that happens because you're preparing for the absolute worst outcome. its such an exhausting mindset to have. on some level, i feel like i'm totally burned out from thinking like that, and now i'm just ... sitting here ... but i worry about dealing with these things again in my future, even. there's nothing more i hate than feeling out of control of my life. sorry this is such a bummer. T__T
MAY 29 2024
> finished reading saikano in the same night i had started it. fucked me up a bit, i feel like i have such a love hate relationship with it just because of how much i hated everybody in it except for chise. i might make some kind of little page on it just because its seemingly pretty obscure. just dont know where i'd put that kind of thing. also finally finished chulip last night after years of being super on-and-off with it. weirdass game. continuing to try and update the library page, hoping eventually it'll be decently representative of what i'm into while also building a little resource list of random shit for convenience...
MAY 22 2024
> look at that. not finished by any means, but revamped. no scrap of old site left, except for the old pages that i'm keeping hidden until i redo them lol. all the game pages or whatever are gonna be painful, i'm not really attached to most of them. same with the music. have to figure out some way i'll be satiated expressing my interests without forcing myself to write a 4th grade level book report about it, haha. 3 am and i'm so fucking exhausted but my sleep has been the absolute worst these past few days. >__>
MAY 19 2024
> finaaaaally getting around to that revamp haha. backlog of blog posts gone as are a lot of pages... links will be busted for a bit and i have a lot to do but it WILL happen. was just so bothered and overwhelmed and kind of embarrassed with everything on here. i have got to force myself to stop making the site feel so ""finished"" and uniform for lack of a better term so i can permit myself to have more fun with ittt.... consistently a bit self conscious about who might see the things i say but i really don't have any reason to care about that. im workin on it