021325

i guess i'm just kind of holding it together right now. today i got home from work and my mom informed me that- after over at least a year of doctors appointments and running a bunch of tests and shit- they've finally settled on diagnosing my dad with parkinsons. i don't know what to do. well, i can't really DO anything, but i don't know how to feel. i feel numb. i'm really bad with sickness things and the prospect of death i just put it out of my mind until i can't anymore.
but its something like 80% of people with parkinsons eventually get dementia. i've already been worried at the prospect of my mom having something going on because of how forgetful she has been at times recently, but now i'm really just looking at this solid "yeah your dad has only a 20% chance of NOT getting dementia!" and i don't know. i don't know anything. i also wonder if it explains some of his behavior as of late, the fact that sometimes it seems like hes just mumbling, the fact that i've felt like some of his political views have become more like... stubborn... extreme.. you know. i guess i can't know for sure. i don't remember my paternal grandfather that well but i remember him having some issues and i wonder if it was parkinsons. i'm scared.

i feel so tired.

020925

despite all the good things to come, it really sucks feeling like im drowning in a kind of emotional weariness. things are just horribly bleak at times. i'd like to think i've gotten better at staying positive and taking care of myself emotionally, but what do i know. i know i'll be okay soon, because i have to.
have to get a new car sometime within the coming months, mine is starting to show its age a bit too much. honestly im really excited for it. i drive a 2010 chevy colbalt- i have a lot of annoyances with sedans in general, but christ im going to love not having to manually roll down windows or having the steering wheel do weird anti-theft lockup shit that seems borderline fuckin random. my dad was suggesting used subarus, which im sure is still going to be a bit more pricey because subarus seem in pretty high demand... but my demand for them is high as well lol. they actually offered to assist me in getting one (... reasonably priced of course) which i feel like is an understated bonus of being the younger brother to a reckless driver who has totaled like 5 cars... christ, my friend's sister totaled like 4 cars within her first year of driving. well anyway yeah a subaru would be nice lol

013125

stuff came in! we'll see how long i last only using one monitor again, but its really nice. lot more comfortable in every way and its nice being able to put a few of the gundams up here lolll. i may have another on the way but i'll just put him on the gundam page when that comes...
waiting impatiently for march more than anything, miss my boyfriend very badly and can't wait to hang out lol.

012525

ordered a new mechanical keyboard and desk that should be coming in soon. hoping to make my computer setup just a bit more comfortable and productive. the keyboard, in particular, is a fucking necessity. i had a suspicion for a while, but there were some fuckin wires crossed on the last one that were leading to button presses i was not making when there were 'too many' inputs (just playing anything, really). all came to a head recently playing fighting games and having the thing short-circuit and repeatedly send my pc to sleep lmfao.
got my work schedule for february, they've given me even more hours. i suppose i dont mind too much. more money + i love my job + im gonna be out for a week in march so i might as well "make up" the time. picrel: one of my favorite guys from work :)

012425

on a whim decided i wanted to totally revamp the blog, didn't care for the formatting on the old one. too clunky, wanted something a bit more minimalist feeling and friendlier to larger amounts of text.

of course now i don't really have anything to say other than the fact that i updated it lmao. im not really the type of person to make new years resolutions or anything like that. sooner or later i'll have shit to say, this is literally like the only fucking place i dont have people who know me irl breathing down my fuckin neck haha.